Growing up gay in South Dakota was not easy. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it and there was the constant fear that I would be beaten up if someone found out. But despite all that, I ended up having one of those “love at first sight” moments in college. I’ll never forget the day I opened a door and almost ran into the most handsome man I had ever seen. I was obsessed with him and over the next 2 years I went out of my way to accidentally “be” where he was without looking too obvious. I was totally in love with him and I decided I wanted him to know. But just around that time news came out about this new “gay disease” called AIDS that was spreading fast. I decided I better wait until that whole mess was over before I declared my love for this guy.
It turned out to be one of the many decisions based around this new sickness that would affect my life well into the future. I never did tell that boy I loved him because AIDS was still a threat when I graduated. He later married a lovely woman and I think they are still married today. I’m sure he must have known I liked him – but he never said anything or tried to hurt me.
Not long after I graduated from college, I moved to S. Florida. I made lots of new friends, many of whom were HIV positive. Back in those days, if you had AIDS it was almost certainly a death sentence. I watched as many of my new friends fell ill and many of them died. It was sad and painful to watch them wither away to skin and bones especially at such a young age. Most were in their early 20s like me. I joined the MCC Church (a mostly gay diocese) and I remember a lot of sick people in church – some with oxygen tanks and tubes attached. Every week there was a list of people we prayed for, some who were sick and some who had already passed. It was all very sad – but mostly it was terrifying.
Soon I met another man that I was instantly attracted to – a very handsome Cuban guy. He told me right away that he had AIDS and I was faced with a decision on weather to date him or not. Do I want to give my heart to someone who might not be here long? Do I want to watch my loved one fall ill and die? And what about my safety – it was a very serious decision. I decided to love the man and try not to think about the sickness. We had a very brief but passionate romance and of course we were extremely careful when it came to sex. We broke up before too long because of personality conflicts – but I still loved him. We lost touch after a while and I found out about 6 months later that he had died. I still think of him often to this day.
I decided it was a very bad time to be dating and I prayed I would find one nice guy I could settle down with and live happily ever after. Eventually I did meet a very nice man and we quickly set up house together. There was safety in a monogamous relationship. But it wasn’t long before I realized that I wasn’t really in love with him. I loved him – I just wasn’t “in love” with him. He said we should just stay together until we found someone else. It seemed like a good idea at the time because again – there was safety there. We became very comfortable in our life and 10 years quickly went by before either of us found someone else. I eventually found someone I was totally in love with and I thought he felt the same for me. It turns out he didn’t love me the same way – and that is another story. But I ended the 10 year relationship for him and by this time it was devastating for my partner. It’s been almost 5 years since we broke up and I still think he hates me. I can’t help but think if I hadn’t been so scared of AIDS, I may have ended the relationship much sooner and it would have been less painful for him.
Suddenly I found myself a single man for the first time in a very long time. And that brings us to the present time where I will continue with Part 2 in this series.
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